Mark Lamster | Essays

A Letter to the President

Dear Barack (if I may):

First off, congratulations. I'm sure Michelle and the girls are very proud, as are the rest of us American citizens, and I suspect all citizens of this fine planet.

That said, I do feel compelled to write as it has now been more than 24 hours since your inauguration and it is still not raining sugar plums. It was my understanding that it would begin to rain sugar plums immediately upon your taking the Oath of Office. Also, I was under the impression that all of my dirty dishes would be cleaned, my laundry would be folded and that the unruly pile of bills I keep by my front door would be neatly organized (and paid).

Someone mentioned something about how I'd also begin to defecate roses, but that seems entirely unnecessary and also a bit uncomfortable. (I have some gastroenterological issues, though this is probably not the best place to discuss them.) Anyway, I'm sure the economy and Iraq and Afghanistan and a million other things have you occupied and believe me, I'm sympathetic to your demanding schedule, but I was still wondering if either you or someone on your staff might let me know when I could expect the sugar plums.

With best wishes,

Mark Lamster

Posted in: Arts + Culture, Politics

Comments [2]

Obama contacted NOAA and they told him that with this cold weather the sugar plums would freeze and would cause enormous damage if it rained sugar plums. Consequently the SPRE (Sugar Plum Rain Event) was postponed until Spring.

The Chinese have developed cloud-seeding capabilities made famous at the olympics. What is less well-known is that they are apparently just weeks away from gaining the ability to make it rain actual sugar plums. We are no longer the world's superpower.

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