Mark Lamster | Essays

Complaint Dept.

The complaint has always been my great metier, the form in which I am a non-pareil master. Last night I became an honest-to-goodness world record holder in my favored idiom. At the behest of Dan Rollman, the great mind behind the Universal Record Database, I set the new standard for Most Complaints In 60 Seconds, a feat documented by numerous officials, and witnessed by New York's daily digest of record. A video of the proceedings will soon be available, but a transcript follows, for your reading pleasure:
I’m tired. I’m hungry. My feet are cold. I’m damp. It’s too dark outside. It’s too dark in here. I left my hat at prt a manger. I don’t have enough Facebook friends. My eyesight blows. A 5-year contract for AJ Burnett? I’m not rich enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not good looking enough. I don’t have enough work. I have too much work. It’s all underpaid. My book is overdue. My book is not good. Specifically, the footnotes are a disaster. I can’t figure out HTML. I’m a shitty typist. I hate fish. I hate broccoli. I have tempomandibular disorder. I hate it when I burn the roof of my mouth on hot tea. Who drinks tea anyway? Tea is for grandmas and pussies. I hate the gym. I hate the stairmaster at the gym. I hate the guy at the gym who runs on the stairmaster like a gerbil on a habitrail. Our culture sucks. I’m going to miss Top Chef tonight. This is a waste of time. What the fuck am I doing here? Isiah Thomas. Daniel Libeskind is a hack. The plans for Ground Zero suck. Atlantic Yards sucks. I don’t read fast enough. I don’t run fast enough. I eat too fast. I can’t afford a meal at Per Se. I can’t get a resy at Ko. I can’t believe Florent is gone. Christ, Rollman, could you have chosen a less convenient location? Why is nothing good on tv? The Wire was totally fucked by the Emmys. Don Draper is full of shit. This is taking forever. I overpaid for my apartment. It’s too small. It’s a walkup. The block could be nicer. I don’t like ice cream with walnuts. FOX news is a crime against intelligence. ESPN is irritating corporate trash. A subway fair increase? That’s bullshit. You can’t even hear the PA announcements. And service blows. And there’s not enough of it. Just when it looks like the Democrats might put things together: Blago. Sarah Palin will return to some form of prominence that commandeers my attention. Fuck her. The economy is in a death spiral. We’ll never get out of Iraq. Enough already about the Obamas’ dog. You expect me to pay how much for a beer? My laptop is too heavy. It scratches my wrist. Fuck the man. Dane Fuckin’ Cook. The New York Public Library contaminated its research collection with lead. Seriously. Curt Schilling is a tool. George Steinbrenner is an asshole. A-Rod is a headcase. Dubya and Cheney ruined our country. Reagan was no prince either. Republicans hate black people. And Jews. And New Yorkers. Is this over yet? I’m getting tired of this. I can never find time for a haircut. I hate when you get a haircut and hair gets down your shirt. That itches. I never know how much to tip the barber. Puce is an awful color. Puce is an awful word. It just sounds bad. Puce: awful. I often feel cheap. I could be more responsible about paying bills on time. And returning phone calls. I was not popular in elementary school. I was not popular in high school. I was not popular in college. I was only marginally popular in graduate school. My book was not a bestseller. I can’t play electric guitar. I have an awful voice. I’d suck in a rock band. I can’t follow classical music. The book industry is dying. I have no idea what I’m going to do next. My neighbors listen to death metal at 3 am. I lied about that. I forgot to take out the trash. I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I really, really, really, gotta get out of here. Jesus is this over yet? World records are stupid.

Posted in: Arts + Culture

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